THE HELL @ BRISTOL FAT LIP - DICKS AND BALLS

TOP TIP FOR THE HOPELESS ROMANTICS OUT THERE; FORGET YOUR POINTLESS OVERPRICED MEALS AND SHITTY FLOWERS, TRUST ME, THE BEST WAY TO A GIRL’S HEART IS TO TAKE HER TO A GIG SHE WILL MORE THAN LIKELY HATE. IF SHE MAKES IT TO THE END AND RESISTED HITTING YOU, OR WORSE, STOOD IN SILENCE WITH A FACE LIKE A SMACKED ARSE, YOU’RE IN THERE. 

SPEAKING FROM THIS PAST WEEKENDS EXPERIENCE, FOR ADDED GUARANTEED SUCCESS, TAKE HER TO SEE THE HELL. SHE MIGHT FIND THE MUSIC A BIT ‘NOISY’ BUT SHE’LL GET A FEW CHEAP LAUGHS IN THE PROCESS, AFTER YOU’VE TRANSLATED THE LYRICS FROM METAL TO ENGLISH. YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SOPPY LITTLE JOKE ABOUT IT ALL LATER. WELL, THANKS TO THE HELL MY DATE WAS A ROARING SUCCESS, AND IT WAS TOTALLY FUCKING IMPROVISED! STILL GOT IT, NEVER LOST IT.

SATURDAY SAW THE RETURN OF THE HELL TO BRISTOL, LAST TIME THEY PLAYED HERE TWO PEOPLE GOT SO OVERWHELMED BY THE MUSIC THEY GOT ENGAGED WHICH GOES TO SHOW IT’S TOTALLY POSSIBLE TO FIND LOVE IN THE STRANGEST OF PLACES. SPEAKING OF WHICH, OF ALL THE OUTRIGHT RIDICULOUS VENUES I’VE SEEN OVER THE YEARS, THIS ONE TOOK THE PISS. A FUCKING BOWLING ALLEY! WHILST THE BANDS WERE PLAYING, PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY BOWLING. TYPICAL BRISTOL RIGHT THERE, QUIRK CAPITAL OF ENGLAND. ALTHOUGH, IF THE GIG TURNED OUT TO BE SHIT, I COULD HAVE ALWAYS JUST TAKEN HER BOWLING INSTEAD. PLAY IT COOL AND IT MIGHT NOT JUST BE THE BOWLING PINS GETTING SPREAD LATER. 

(DISCLAIMER: NO)

THE SELF-PROCLAIMED BEST METAL ACT IN THE UK RIGHT NOW, THANKFULLY MANAGED TO BE MORE INTERESTING THAN THE TEMPTATION OF A FEW CHEEKY HURLS.

THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE THE HELL IS TO TAKE SOME VERY ENGLISH UK HARDCORE AND REPLACE THE LYRICS WITH A VIZ COMIC. OUR AMERICAN READER(S) ? SHOULD BE MORE CONFUSED THAN USUAL BY NOW, IDIOTS. SPRINKLE A BIT OF SUICIDAL TENDENCIES OR BRUJERIA’S GANG SHTICK (EXCEPT THE HELL’S BANDANAS HAVE FALLEN DOWN A BIT) AND FINALLY COMPLIMENT THE MIX WITH THE FOOLPROOF SLIPKNOTHEAD BUSINESS MODEL OF ANONYMITY AND VOILA! DICKHEADS. ACTUALLY NEVERMIND THAT'S TOO COMPLICATED, THE CLOSEST COMPARISON I CAN MAKE IS TOWARDS FELLOW UK HARDCORE LADS TRC WHO DESPITE BEING DEADLY SERIOUS, ALSO SOMEHOW MANAGE TO SOUND LIKE THEIR TAKING THE TOTAL PISS. PRETTY SURE I’VE SEEN A FEW OF THE MEMBERS PLAYING IN OTHER BANDS RECENTLY, BUT HEY, THIS ISN’T A GAME OF GUESS-FUCKING-WHO. BESIDES THE MAIN ATTRACTION FOR ME IS THAT THE HELL HATE THINGS THAT I HATE, LIKE DISTURBED... AND MILTON KEYNES.

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BY THE WAY I WAS TOTALLY HAMMERED BEFORE THE BAND EVEN STARTED SO STOP READING NOW IF YOU WANT AN ACTUALLY DECENT REVIEW WITH THE SONGS IN THE RIGHT ORDER AND CLICHE REMARKS LIKE 'ENERGETIC LIVE PERFORMANCE.'

WITHIN SECONDS OF OPENER YOU’RE LISTENING TO THE HELL, FRONTMAN NAIL$ SHOWS HIS APPRECIATIVE SIDE AND CALLS US ALL CUNTS. RULE 101 OF HEAVY METAL ETIQUETTE: BE GRATEFUL OF YOUR AUDIENCE. MY DATE IS KEEN TO POINT OUT THAT THE HELL SAYS ‘DICKHEAD’ AND ‘CUNT’ A LOT. I EXPLAIN THEY’RE FROM WATFORD AND THAT’S JUST HOW PEOPLE NORMALLY SPEAK THERE. I GET SOME BONUS POINTS FOR SHOWING CULTURAL AWARENESS.

DURING REALLY OLD SONG SHIT JUST GOT REAL, SHIT GETS REAL. ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WANKERS STILL BOWLING LEFT WONDERING WHY ALL THEIR PINS ARE FALLING DOWN ON THEIR OWN AMIDST A FLURRY OF RIFFS AND INSULTS. WHEN THE BAND PLAYS NEW SINGLE THE FEVER, THE HELL ENCOURAGES US TO DANCE LIKE RIGHT DICKHEADS AND COPY THE MOVES FROM THE VIDEO. CALL ME CYNICAL BUT NOT SURE I NEED TO LOOK ANYMORE LIKE A DICKHEAD RIGHT NOW. I’M IN A CLUB NAMED AFTER A FUCKING SUM 41 SONG. MOST OF THIS AUDIENCE WERE ABOUT FOUR WHEN THAT SONG CAME OUT. THIS OLD BASTARD IS CLOSER TO THIRTY. THE SHAME OF BEING IN A CLUB NIGHT DEDICATED TO EMO AND POP PUNK IS TRAUMATISING ENOUGH. HAVE MERCY.

SPEAKING OF OLD REFERENCES, THEY EVEN PLAY THAT MONEY SONG THAT HARRY ENFIELD SANG IN THE EARLY NINETIES. MADE ME FEEL PROPER NOSTALGIC. FOR AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, THEY ENCOURAGE US TO LOB SOME CHANGE AT THEM. DESPITE JUST CLAIMING THEY HAD LOADS. BACK TO THE DATE AND THE DRINKS IN THIS SHITHOLE COST MORE THAN THE GIG TICKET. SEEMS IT’S JUST THE KIDS THAT ARE LOADED THESE DAYS. SEND SOME OF THAT CHANGE MY WAY, I'VE GOT A TAXI TO PAY FOR.

MOST OF THE MATERIAL TONIGHT COMES FROM 2014’S ‘WORLDWIDE NUMBER ONE ALBUM’ GROOVEHAMMER. POINTLESS BUT TRUE STORY. I WAS WORKING AT HMV WHEN THAT ALBUM CAME OUT. I SOLD IT TO SOME IDIOT AFTER I SUGGESTED IT MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN THE FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH ALBUM THEY WANTED INSTEAD. YOU ARE WELCOME AND HOPEFULLY YOU GREW SOME BALLS.

OTHER HITS FROM THEIR EXTENSIVE REPERTOIRE INCLUDE; TAKE ME OUT, I’VE NEVER SEEN A JACKAL ON THE 142 AND BANGERS AND MOSH, WHICH IS WORTH MENTIONING PURELY FOR THE CREDENTIAL OF BEING THE ONLY METAL SONG IN EXISTENCE THAT NAME DROPS TESCO.

JUST AS THE BAND IS ABOUT TO FINISH WITH EVERYBODY DIES, BLACK MI$T MAKES SOME JIBE ABOUT THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE HOPING TO GET SUCKED OFF BY THEIR EX-GIRLFRIEND. WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY HAD I NOT JUST NOTICED HER. THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SOMETHING BURNING INTO MY SOUL ALL NIGHT. HOW APPROPRIATELY BOLLOCKS.

ALL IN ALL, VERY ENTERTAINING. NEXT TIME I’LL TAKE MY NAN. NOT IN A DATE SENSE THOUGH. OBVIOUSLY.

FOUR OUT OF FIVE FUCKS GIVEN. YOU DICK.

NG